martedì, maggio 11, 2010

Sappi ja sarkasmi

Ma veel ei tea, kuidas Eestis veiniajakirjanikud tegutsevad ning ma endiselt arvan, et eestlased on kindlasti kòige ausamad ja eetilisemad inimesed maailmas, aga seda peab kyll ytlema, et peale esimesi ettevaatlikke kokkupuuteid Itaalia ja Inglismaa veiniajakirjanike, veinikonkursside, gambero rossode ja lucamaronidega tuleb alljàrgnev paroodia tootja pilgu làbi vaadatuna kuidagi nagu tuttav ette kyll.
Millegipàrast jookseb see postitus Bloglines's sisse, aga HoseMasteri blogist otse otsides linki ei leidnud. Sellepàrast kopeerisin teile. Pàris vàrskendav vaheldus enesekriitikavabale snoobitsemisele, mida tavaliselt veiniblogidest kapaga kallatakse.

The Wine Hypocrite

Here at The Wine Hypocrite we rate wines on the 100 Point Scale. While many publications that use the 100 Point Scale assign arbitrary and unreproducible numbers, our scale is precise and trustworthy.
First, a word about how we choose wines to be reviewed.
Our crack staff actively solicits free samples from wineries, brokers and importers all over the world using several innovative techniques.
First, we ask nicely. If that fails to get a response we remind each winery that if we find it necessary to pay out of our own pockets for a sample it results in an automatic deduction of five points from their score. Naturally, we don't couch it in quite those terms. A sample letter to a winery might read, "Thank you in advance for submitting a sample of your 2005 Harlan Estate to The Wine Hypocrite. For your generosity we are pleased to award you five points, which you can use towards your wine's final score from our esteemed expert on California wines, who may actually taste your wine rather than sell it at auction, or which you can 'bank' for a future submission that you feel needs the extra help.
Up to fifteen points may be drawn from your Score Bank Account to enhance a wine's final rating. We intend to publish a review of your wine in our April 'California' issue and very much appreciate the savings a free sample represents.
Many who have not submitted samples will be listed at the end of the article under the heading, 'Other Wines Tasted,' whether we tasted them or not."
We also may overpraise a hard-to-obtain wine's rivals in an effort to gain access to the wine. We have found over the years that awarding a high score to a relatively stupid and easy-to-find wine can result in an avalanche of samples of finer wines. Thus, a score 0f 93 for a MacMurray Ranch Pinot Noir, for example, which also does wonders for our advertising budget, usually results in a UPS driver getting a hernia hauling boxes of overpriced Sonoma Coast Pinot Noir samples up six flights of stairs to our luxurious headquarters overlooking the Salvation Army tent city. A fabulous Win/Win for The Wine Hypocrite!
Fortunately, in these trying economic times, even the so-called "cult" wines are willing to submit their wines for review to even the seamiest publications. Shockingly, many even submit them to Bloggers! At The Wine Hypocrite we are proud that our staff of professional wine writers has the experience, expertise, knowledge and scruples of even the finest amateur Bloggers. That is to say, None. But we got financial backers and the magic power of print to give our scores legitimacy, so suck that Internet Losers!
Wines are tasted and reviewed by our panel of wine critics, except for the cheap crap which is reviewed by the janitorial staff. Those reviews are posted with the initials "J.S." which we hope you'll assume stands for James Suckling. It does, sort of.
Our critics taste the wines in the traditional Semi-Blind Tasting format which restricts them from knowing what the wine is when the wine is tasted, but awards plenty of time afterward to adjust the score when the wine is revealed to them.
However, to save time and assist the reviewers with their scores, the wines are grouped in Peer Review Flights such as "New Producers We Want to Discover, So Don't Be Too Picky," "Wines From Big-Time Advertisers," and "Wines Parker Gave a High Score."
Scores are then run by the editorial staff and the advertising staff for verification. Dyslexia is unusually common among wine critics, thus a score for a highly regarded Kendall Jackson wine may accidentally read 89 when the critic intended 98.
We do everything to assure accuracy here at The Wine Hypocrite. Wine scores in The Wine Hypocrite are attained using a fixed and objective scale. First, each wine is awarded 50 points. The wine does nothing to earn those 50 points aside from existing. If you think of the 100 Point Scale as it was familiar to you in elementary school, then think of wine and wineries as the "Special Needs" kids who get nice, unearned scores just to encourage them to try harder.
The next 50 points are broken down into five categories that our critics use to reach the final score. Here are those five categories:
Color, Aroma, and Label 0-10 Points
OK, how do you award points for a label you shouldn't be able to see in a Blind Tasting? Wine is a mysterious thing, isn't it? Our critics award 1-3 points for Color (most wines have it so 3 usually wins), 1-3 points for the Aroma (a point if it has one, two points if it smells good, 3 points if the oak was expensive), and 1-4 points for the label (1 if it's torn, two if it has monkeys on it, three if the wine is over $50, and a perfect 4 points for bumpy labels--them are 'spensive!).
Terroir and Varietal Typicity 0-10
PointsCritics at The Wine Hypocrite generally score in the 9 or 10 point range in this category since they don't know what Terroir is, and they assume any wine with Brett is typical. Lack of Brett is also awarded a high score.
Price, Variety and Prestige 0-10 Points
Wines are scored from 1-3 Points for Price (one point for the cheapest wines, 2 points for vastly overpriced crap and 3 points for expensive wines made in fewer than 500-case lots).
1-3 Points are awarded for the grape variety (1 point for Riesling, Gewurztraminer or any other sissy white wine, 2 points for grapes we've heard of that aren't sissy whites, but no points if it's some crappy-ass wannabe grape like Lagrein, and 3 points for bitchin' Cabernet and Pinot Noir). The fame and prestige of the wine is awarded points on a scale of 1-4 points depending upon whether the owner of the vineyard gave us free accommodations and some parting gifts.
Overall Quality and Ageability 0-10 Points
This may sound like a vague category, but experienced critics at The Wine Hypocrite know the difference. It's kind of like judging at a Slam Dunk Contest. Unless you slip and fall on your ass, it's a 9.5 or a 10. Being picky is for the Supreme Court. It's just wine, people.
Profitability 0-10 Points
What's the point of giving a wine made by a large, successful, wealthy conglomerate or individual a high score if they haven't made it worth your while? What's in it for us to help them? When we award 10 points in this category it's because the producer loves to purchase our inside front cover to publish a picture of a hot model to use sex to sell his wine; or the wine isn't available to the every day consumer and a high score helps us establish our credentials and gives us the appearance of importance. This is a no-brainer, dimbulbs, figure it out.
So, you see, The Wine Hypocrite has brought honesty, integrity and accuracy to wine evaluation. You can trust our scores like you trust your banker and your stock broker. Like them, we're not in this for the money.

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